Friday Ramblings

Ok Lord. I know I had to get to this point eventually. The point where my angst, anxiety, and worries are all wound up inside me so tight that the edges of my soul are straining to keep me in one piece.

I confess Lord that I have been ANGRY. ANGRY AND HURT. I just don’t know why. I don’t want to be a puny little human with my tiny fist shaking in the air, like you are to obey MY wishes. I long to be a child of God that submits to your will and your plans for my life. I guess with the anger there is FEAR. Fear that you won’t give me the deepest desires of my heart because I have been too bad, too sinful, have made too many mistakes. Maybe I wouldn’t be a good mother? Maybe I am too selfish? Maybe I am too moody? Maybe I need to learn how to be content with my circumstances before you can give me something more? I’m sorry for even asking you for it because I feel like there is still so much left that I have to learn before I can begin to think about being a mom. But I know that your timing is perfect-it is the single thread that I’m holding on to and it’s keeping me from tumbling down the dark cliff of doubt and worry in my mind. I am so thankful that I’m anchored to you and that I have a Heavenly Father who is so in-tune with my needs.

Please help me to come back to you. Help me to run to you, help me to return to your ways, obey you, fill me with joy and happiness, with love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. Plant me by your river and water me, shine the truth of your Son onto my branches so I can grow tall and full, bearing beautiful fruit. Connect me back to the vine where truth, peace, life and contentment lie. Help me not to be distracted by the “things” of this world and take away the restlessness inside of me, the frustration, the helplessness of my own weak human flesh. I am selfish, prideful, merciless, critical, mean and disrespectful. But YOU are self-LESS, humble, self controlled, full of compassion and mercy, gracious and forgiving, never cruel, always kind and patiently accepting me as I am-because I have JESUS. Please make me more like you. I pray that He’s who you see when you look at me, that others would see him when they look at me. I want to make a difference in your kingdom Lord instead of just focusing on myself. I’m tired of the tears, the fears, the struggles against believing and trusting in you. I want to be full o f life and full of YOU, trusting that whatever happens in my life is a gift from you and part of the perfect plan you had laid out for me since the beginning of time. Help me to accept your grace, your Son’s blood, your amazing sacrifice, your LIFE GIVING Holy Spirit, so that I can share it with others.

I don’t want to sulk around any more. I don’t want to be angry for no reason. I don’t want to feel blind rage at people all the time. I don’t want to swear anymore. I want my road rage to be taken away and replaced with endless patience, love and grace. I want to be happy. I want to love my husband like I always said I would when you and I spoke about that before you gave me Tim. I said that if only I could have someone, I could share this bottomless pit of love with them. I have so much love to give Lord, but it’s all from you. A

nd I feel very weary and dusty, like I’ve been traveling in the desert for way too long. I’m dehydrated of your Living Water and I need to be hooked up to your IV and brought back to life. Please lead me to your water source so that I may be replenished and the water that I am so desperately seeking would flood the cracked, sun-scorched barren parts of my heart and soul. Make me willing to hear and obey, Lord in everything-even if I don’t understand. I love you.