Isaiah 43 and God's promises

"But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, Shanna, he who formed you, Shanna: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.' When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43:1-3, 18

Last night I met with a prayer group consisting of some older women and one of my dearest friends. I had asked her if she wouldn't mind having the group pray over me for the blessing of a baby. But it turned out to be so much more than that...little did I know that the ENTIRE focus was on me. This is something I both welcome and shy away from; on one hand I love being the center of attention because it fills something inside of me, but on the other hand I don't want people looking at me too closely. Perhaps that's why the leader of the group-who is also a Biblical counselor-said that she felt I have a hard shell around me. Amazing isn't it, that the image of ourselves we project is so different than the person we really want to be!

These verses were read to me after some discussion of many deeper rooted issues than just the desire to have a child. The Holy Spirit was really working on me and tt was like something snapped inside of me (or cracked) with these verses spoken aloud. All of the sudden the floodgates just opened, both in my heart and in my tears. It was like God's words loosened chains that have been restricting me for quite some time. It wasn't only these verses but also what came after them-pointed, direct observations on the condition of my heart and how I STRIVE for grace, rather than rest in it.

One "word picture" that one of the ladies gave me was of me running on a treadmill. I've been running for so long that I am weary. I long to get off the treadmill but find myself increasing the speed. Jesus is in the room with me, just watching me and waiting for me to get off. I look over to him every now and then in an attempt to spend time with him and listen to him, but mostly I am just focused on striving on my treadmill. Striving for perfection, striving for accomplishment, striving for grace, striving to make myself "good enough" and worthy enough to be deserving of not only his grace, but his presence as well. All Jesus wants of me is to come to him, "weary and burdened" because he longs to give me rest. He wants to replace my burden of perfectionism, lies, control, anger, fear with HIS burden, which is grace, obdience, discipline, blessing and love. But I have to get off the treadmill first.

My challenge in these coming weeks is not only to "change the tapes" in my mind and replace them with God's promises and truths but to SLOW DOWN and REST. I've said this before and heard this said to me countless times but either my lackluster will or my chains have prevented me from truly completing this exercise. More importantly, I don't WANT to be a mother until I learn how to rest in the Lord, until I learn how to crack my shell, how to resolve my fears...of course, as it was so well put last night, I will never "arrive." But I CAN get to the point of spiritual health in order to be an example to my future children. I don't want them to inherit my weaknesses and my inability to be vulnerable with the Lord and truly submit my will to His.

These verses are the first promise that I'm claiming. I am kicking fear out of my life for good, because the God of the universe has redeemed ME and called ME by name. I belong to him therefore I will not fear. I will work on forgetting the former things and cling to the promise that his mercies are NEW every morning and he is doing a NEW work in my heart.

Friday Ramblings

Ok Lord. I know I had to get to this point eventually. The point where my angst, anxiety, and worries are all wound up inside me so tight that the edges of my soul are straining to keep me in one piece.

I confess Lord that I have been ANGRY. ANGRY AND HURT. I just don’t know why. I don’t want to be a puny little human with my tiny fist shaking in the air, like you are to obey MY wishes. I long to be a child of God that submits to your will and your plans for my life. I guess with the anger there is FEAR. Fear that you won’t give me the deepest desires of my heart because I have been too bad, too sinful, have made too many mistakes. Maybe I wouldn’t be a good mother? Maybe I am too selfish? Maybe I am too moody? Maybe I need to learn how to be content with my circumstances before you can give me something more? I’m sorry for even asking you for it because I feel like there is still so much left that I have to learn before I can begin to think about being a mom. But I know that your timing is perfect-it is the single thread that I’m holding on to and it’s keeping me from tumbling down the dark cliff of doubt and worry in my mind. I am so thankful that I’m anchored to you and that I have a Heavenly Father who is so in-tune with my needs.

Please help me to come back to you. Help me to run to you, help me to return to your ways, obey you, fill me with joy and happiness, with love, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self-control. Plant me by your river and water me, shine the truth of your Son onto my branches so I can grow tall and full, bearing beautiful fruit. Connect me back to the vine where truth, peace, life and contentment lie. Help me not to be distracted by the “things” of this world and take away the restlessness inside of me, the frustration, the helplessness of my own weak human flesh. I am selfish, prideful, merciless, critical, mean and disrespectful. But YOU are self-LESS, humble, self controlled, full of compassion and mercy, gracious and forgiving, never cruel, always kind and patiently accepting me as I am-because I have JESUS. Please make me more like you. I pray that He’s who you see when you look at me, that others would see him when they look at me. I want to make a difference in your kingdom Lord instead of just focusing on myself. I’m tired of the tears, the fears, the struggles against believing and trusting in you. I want to be full o f life and full of YOU, trusting that whatever happens in my life is a gift from you and part of the perfect plan you had laid out for me since the beginning of time. Help me to accept your grace, your Son’s blood, your amazing sacrifice, your LIFE GIVING Holy Spirit, so that I can share it with others.

I don’t want to sulk around any more. I don’t want to be angry for no reason. I don’t want to feel blind rage at people all the time. I don’t want to swear anymore. I want my road rage to be taken away and replaced with endless patience, love and grace. I want to be happy. I want to love my husband like I always said I would when you and I spoke about that before you gave me Tim. I said that if only I could have someone, I could share this bottomless pit of love with them. I have so much love to give Lord, but it’s all from you. A

nd I feel very weary and dusty, like I’ve been traveling in the desert for way too long. I’m dehydrated of your Living Water and I need to be hooked up to your IV and brought back to life. Please lead me to your water source so that I may be replenished and the water that I am so desperately seeking would flood the cracked, sun-scorched barren parts of my heart and soul. Make me willing to hear and obey, Lord in everything-even if I don’t understand. I love you.