Posts
I was reading online in Proverbs (I like to keep biblegateway.com open on my computer during the day when I take breaks, etc) about anger...and was completely convicted:
The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, And his glory is to overlook a transgression. Proverbs 19:11
He who sows iniquity will reap sorrow, And the rod of his anger will fail. Proverbs 22:8
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
Do not hasten in your spirit to be angry, For anger rests in the bosom of fools. Ecc 7:9
Does anyone ever feel like their words are out of control? I have been struggling lately with such a terrible attitude. It feels good to be mean and to say things harshly and I'm not sure where that's coming from. I think there are quite a few underlying frustrations in my life that I am not dealing with but trying to sweep under the rug. The frustration of not having a "normal" life with my husband because of his work schedule, frustration with our infertility issues, with the stress that comes with my full time job, with not feeling well physically a lot of the time...and all the other things we deal with.
This is the major area in my spiritual life where I have not had victory. I am so discouraged, especially when words give life or give death to those I love. And they can never be taken back once spoken. I don't want to be the "fool" that harbors anger and is quick to speak harshly...
Ephesians 4:31 says to "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice" and Col 3:8 says to "put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth."
The truth of the matter is I have so much to be thankful for and no valid reasoning for being angry or irritable. I have an amazing husband, even if I don't see him very much, :) wonderful family and friends, an awesome church, a great paying job, a beautiful house, car. I read somewhere that instead of looking at the challenges in our lives as problems, we should look at them as learning opportunities...or how can we "be part of the solution, not part of the problem." Being washed in the Word and surrendering myself to the Lord's control are two of the ways I know I can overcome this. I guess it's like any other struggle-it's a life-long journey.
Prayer for the day:
Lord give me the strength to do what your Word says and put away all negative and harmful words from my mouth. Quench my anger and my quick temper. Give me a joyful spirit that rejoices in the gift of life and all my blessings. Forgive me for my impulsive, restless, discontented nature. More of you and less of me Lord...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
UPDATED: OBAMA ADDRESS TO U.N. WEAK ON IRAN, HARD ON ISRAEL, VIRTUALLY SILENT ON AFGHANISTAN
This is from Joel Rosenberg's website, http://flashtrafficblog.wordpress.com/. Very interesting world events transpiring...thought it needed to be shared.
ORIGINAL POST: Today is a major test for President Obama as he addresses the U.N. General Assembly this morning.
1. IRAN — Will he lay down the law with Iran? Will he mobilize the world to do everything in its power to bring the illegitimate and tyrannical regime in Tehran to its knees to stop the nuclear weapons program? Or will he be the 21st century Neville Chamberlain, and allow the world to lurch towards another Holocaust? I admit, I’m not that hopeful. But I do believe in the audacity of hope. Perhaps the President will rise to the challenge. That’s what I’m praying for.
2. AFGHANISTAN — Iran is the top challenge facing the President, but not the only. He is getting weak in the knees on his resolve to win in Afghanistan. Our top general there says he needs more troops — fast — or we’re going to lose. Yet Obama won’t commit to giving our commanders on the ground everything they need. Remarkably, even an editorial in the Washington Post this morning challenges Obama for being weak and wobbly. We cannot lose in Afghanistan. If we do, we could destabilize Pakistan, a nuclear armed country. This could trigger a war with India and the Paks. The stakes are high. Let’s pray for the President to do the right thing.
3. ISRAEL — Anti-Semitic and anti-Israel sentiment is metastasizing in the U.N. Will the President stand with our most faithful ally in the epicenter, or effectively cut her loose? Let’s be praying for good news.
God bless Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper for directing his delegation to walk out on Ahmadinejad.
MY INITIAL REACTION (updated analysis):
President Obama’s first address to the United Nations General Assembly was not just a disappointment, it was dangerous. Weak on Iran. Hard on Israel. Virtually silent on Afghanistan. The President effectively called for Israel’s capital city of Jerusalem to be divided, for Israel itself to be divided, and proposed no enforcement mechanism to stop Iran from getting the Bomb. This will only encourage the Radicals from Gaza City to Tehran.
Examples:
* ON IRAN AND THE NUCLEAR THREAT — I was glad to hear President Obama say: “If the governments of Iran and North Korea choose to ignore international standards; if they put the pursuit of nuclear weapons ahead of regional stability and the security and opportunity of their own people; if they are oblivious to the dangers of escalating nuclear arms races in both East Asia and the Middle East — then they must be held accountable. The world must stand together to demonstrate that international law is not an empty promise, and that treaties will be enforced. We must insist that the future does not belong to fear.”
* Also glad that he said: “We must stop the spread of nuclear weapons….For decades, we averted disaster, even under the shadow of a superpower stand-off. But today, the threat of proliferation is growing in scope and complexity. If we fail to act, we will invite nuclear arms races in every region, and the prospect of wars and acts of terror on a scale that we can hardly imagine….The next 12 months could be pivotal in determining whether this compact will be strengthened or will slowly dissolve.”
* I was glad to hear him say: “We must never allow a single nuclear device to fall into the hands of a violent extremist.”
* But I was disappointed that the President drew no line in the sand with regards to Iran (much less North Korea), put no decisive enforcement mechanism on the table, threatened no consequences. Right now, the President is just talk. But the clock is ticking. Iran’s nuclear enrichment centrifuges are spinning. Iran’s ballistic missile factories are creating longer-range and more accurate delivery vehicles. If Washington and the world does not take decisive action to stop Iran this fall, we may very well leave the Israelis with no alternative but to strike. Is that what the world wants…Israel acting on its own when then is really a global problem?
* ON AFGHANISTAN — I was, frankly, stunned and disappointed that while the President mentioned the word “Afghanistan,” he barely talked about one of the most urgent military issues of our day. Will he accept his own commanders recommendations and put tens of thousands of more American troops into Afghanistan to defeat al Qaeda and the Taliban and secure the peace? Or will he cut and run? How could he not even broach the topic today?
* ON STANDING WITH ISRAEL – I was glad to hear the President say his goal is, in part, is “a Jewish state of Israel, with true security for all Israelis.” It’s important that the President affirms the essential Jewish character of the State of Israel. Palestinian leader Abbas, after all, won’t say he supports a “Jewish state” living next to a Palestinian one, which is telling indeed.
* But I was disappointed to hear Obama say: “America does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlements” and disappointed to hear him say he supports “a viable, independent Palestinian state with contiguous territory that ends the occupation that began in 1967.”
* First, in its full historic context, the President is telling the Israelis they have to divide their eternal capital of Jerusalem (which was a divided city before ‘67) and divide the actual territory of Israel by allowing the Palestinians to have “contiguous territory” — that is a land bridge between the West Bank and Gaza. This from a President who wouldn’t speak out on behalf of the pro-democracy Reformers in Iran this summer because he didn’t want to “meddle” in the internal affairs of another country? Mr. President, what you are proposing in morally wrong and strategically dangerous. Jerusalem should never be divided again. What’s more, the sovereign territory of Israel should never be divided at all. Certainly not because an American President insists on such things. And by insisting on them, the President is actually emboldening the Radical hardliners who will now argue that until the President forces Israel to make such sweeping concessions the jihadists should force such concessions.
* Second, why are the so-called “settlements” in Jerusalem and the West Bank illegitimate? In 1947, the U.N. Partition Plan offered half the holy land to the Jews, and half to the Arabs. The Jews said yes and created Israel. The Arabs said no and launched 62 years of war and terrorism. The Israelis have repeatedly offered the Palestinians “land for peace” deals, but the Palestinian leadership keeps saying “no.” So Israelis are building homes, schools, medical clinics and other communities on disputed territory that the Palestinians refuse to accept in return for real peace. Why is that wrong? Come with me to Israel. I’ll take you to the West Bank. These Jewish communities are being built on land where Palestinian Arabs aren’t even living. It’s vacant land. Again I ask, why is it illegitimate for Israelis to build on land that has repeatedly been offered to the Palestinians, but the Palestinians refuse to take? Moreover, the so-called West Bank was known in ancient times as “Judea and Samaria.” This is the biblical heartland of Israel. I support autonomy for the Palestinian people living in their own towns and villages. But I also support the right of Israeli Jews to build on the territory the Lord gave them as their “eternal possession.”
ORIGINAL POST: Today is a major test for President Obama as he addresses the U.N. General Assembly this morning.
1. IRAN — Will he lay down the law with Iran? Will he mobilize the world to do everything in its power to bring the illegitimate and tyrannical regime in Tehran to its knees to stop the nuclear weapons program? Or will he be the 21st century Neville Chamberlain, and allow the world to lurch towards another Holocaust? I admit, I’m not that hopeful. But I do believe in the audacity of hope. Perhaps the President will rise to the challenge. That’s what I’m praying for.
2. AFGHANISTAN — Iran is the top challenge facing the President, but not the only. He is getting weak in the knees on his resolve to win in Afghanistan. Our top general there says he needs more troops — fast — or we’re going to lose. Yet Obama won’t commit to giving our commanders on the ground everything they need. Remarkably, even an editorial in the Washington Post this morning challenges Obama for being weak and wobbly. We cannot lose in Afghanistan. If we do, we could destabilize Pakistan, a nuclear armed country. This could trigger a war with India and the Paks. The stakes are high. Let’s pray for the President to do the right thing.
3. ISRAEL — Anti-Semitic and anti-Israel sentiment is metastasizing in the U.N. Will the President stand with our most faithful ally in the epicenter, or effectively cut her loose? Let’s be praying for good news.
God bless Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper for directing his delegation to walk out on Ahmadinejad.
MY INITIAL REACTION (updated analysis):
President Obama’s first address to the United Nations General Assembly was not just a disappointment, it was dangerous. Weak on Iran. Hard on Israel. Virtually silent on Afghanistan. The President effectively called for Israel’s capital city of Jerusalem to be divided, for Israel itself to be divided, and proposed no enforcement mechanism to stop Iran from getting the Bomb. This will only encourage the Radicals from Gaza City to Tehran.
Examples:
* ON IRAN AND THE NUCLEAR THREAT — I was glad to hear President Obama say: “If the governments of Iran and North Korea choose to ignore international standards; if they put the pursuit of nuclear weapons ahead of regional stability and the security and opportunity of their own people; if they are oblivious to the dangers of escalating nuclear arms races in both East Asia and the Middle East — then they must be held accountable. The world must stand together to demonstrate that international law is not an empty promise, and that treaties will be enforced. We must insist that the future does not belong to fear.”
* Also glad that he said: “We must stop the spread of nuclear weapons….For decades, we averted disaster, even under the shadow of a superpower stand-off. But today, the threat of proliferation is growing in scope and complexity. If we fail to act, we will invite nuclear arms races in every region, and the prospect of wars and acts of terror on a scale that we can hardly imagine….The next 12 months could be pivotal in determining whether this compact will be strengthened or will slowly dissolve.”
* I was glad to hear him say: “We must never allow a single nuclear device to fall into the hands of a violent extremist.”
* But I was disappointed that the President drew no line in the sand with regards to Iran (much less North Korea), put no decisive enforcement mechanism on the table, threatened no consequences. Right now, the President is just talk. But the clock is ticking. Iran’s nuclear enrichment centrifuges are spinning. Iran’s ballistic missile factories are creating longer-range and more accurate delivery vehicles. If Washington and the world does not take decisive action to stop Iran this fall, we may very well leave the Israelis with no alternative but to strike. Is that what the world wants…Israel acting on its own when then is really a global problem?
* ON AFGHANISTAN — I was, frankly, stunned and disappointed that while the President mentioned the word “Afghanistan,” he barely talked about one of the most urgent military issues of our day. Will he accept his own commanders recommendations and put tens of thousands of more American troops into Afghanistan to defeat al Qaeda and the Taliban and secure the peace? Or will he cut and run? How could he not even broach the topic today?
* ON STANDING WITH ISRAEL – I was glad to hear the President say his goal is, in part, is “a Jewish state of Israel, with true security for all Israelis.” It’s important that the President affirms the essential Jewish character of the State of Israel. Palestinian leader Abbas, after all, won’t say he supports a “Jewish state” living next to a Palestinian one, which is telling indeed.
* But I was disappointed to hear Obama say: “America does not accept the legitimacy of continued Israeli settlements” and disappointed to hear him say he supports “a viable, independent Palestinian state with contiguous territory that ends the occupation that began in 1967.”
* First, in its full historic context, the President is telling the Israelis they have to divide their eternal capital of Jerusalem (which was a divided city before ‘67) and divide the actual territory of Israel by allowing the Palestinians to have “contiguous territory” — that is a land bridge between the West Bank and Gaza. This from a President who wouldn’t speak out on behalf of the pro-democracy Reformers in Iran this summer because he didn’t want to “meddle” in the internal affairs of another country? Mr. President, what you are proposing in morally wrong and strategically dangerous. Jerusalem should never be divided again. What’s more, the sovereign territory of Israel should never be divided at all. Certainly not because an American President insists on such things. And by insisting on them, the President is actually emboldening the Radical hardliners who will now argue that until the President forces Israel to make such sweeping concessions the jihadists should force such concessions.
* Second, why are the so-called “settlements” in Jerusalem and the West Bank illegitimate? In 1947, the U.N. Partition Plan offered half the holy land to the Jews, and half to the Arabs. The Jews said yes and created Israel. The Arabs said no and launched 62 years of war and terrorism. The Israelis have repeatedly offered the Palestinians “land for peace” deals, but the Palestinian leadership keeps saying “no.” So Israelis are building homes, schools, medical clinics and other communities on disputed territory that the Palestinians refuse to accept in return for real peace. Why is that wrong? Come with me to Israel. I’ll take you to the West Bank. These Jewish communities are being built on land where Palestinian Arabs aren’t even living. It’s vacant land. Again I ask, why is it illegitimate for Israelis to build on land that has repeatedly been offered to the Palestinians, but the Palestinians refuse to take? Moreover, the so-called West Bank was known in ancient times as “Judea and Samaria.” This is the biblical heartland of Israel. I support autonomy for the Palestinian people living in their own towns and villages. But I also support the right of Israeli Jews to build on the territory the Lord gave them as their “eternal possession.”
Thursday, August 27, 2009
One of my best childhood memories
In continuing going through The Sacred Romance workbook, one of the exercises was to recall one of my best childhood memories, when times were simpler and the outlook on life so much purer, remembering the sounds, smells and how it made me feel. So here's what I cam up with.
It was a traditional Colorado Christmas, complete with fresh powder on the ground and bright blue skies. Only instead of staying in the city that year, the entire family was going up to a cabin in Estes Park to celebrate.
It seemed like it took forever to get there: past the familiar doghnut shop where my Grandpa always liked to stop, past the huge slides that kids slid down on old pieces of carpet during the summer months, past gurgling brooks and finally to the breathtaking majesty of the Rocky Mountains.
As we pulled up to the cabin, it looked as though the scene was taken out of a storybook...the white snow covered trees with shoots of green poking out here and there, the lumbering wrap around front porch with hand carved benches. The sound of my fuzzy calf-high snow boots crunched to the front door through the drifts that had already formed throughout the week, my cheeks and eyes bright from the bitter winter cold.
The cabin was well used and stepping over the threshold, I saw ghosts of visitors past, decorating Christmas trees, cooking in the small, well-lit kitchen, sitting in front of the fireplace. The worn carpet, old upholstered furniture and faded wood held their memories.
The excitement was too much for my little tender heart to bear: I loved these mountains...her steep, jagged peaks, sun-warmed pines and raw beauty made me feel like I was gazing into the face of God. What made it even better was sharing it with those I loved, and my close-knit family always promised a memorable time.
My sister, cousin and I raced downstairs to place our claims on a bunk bed and to settle in. The stark snow-lit light pouring in through the blinds created a magical setting and we all thought about the presents we would get to open in the morning.
But more than that, I couldn't wait to get outside and soak in the environment. I stood breathless on the deck taking in the view before me, my breath escaping in small white puffs in the cold mountain air. Snow capped peaks, a myriad of blues, grays and greens all rising dramatically out of the valley below seemed to me like the gateway to heaven.
The snow-covered silence was a facade...for underneath the surface, the rocks and far-reaching trees, rivers and peaks shouted their songs at me as I inhaled their message deeply, closing my eyes. It was a message of enduring hope, love, romance and passion and it stirred a longing in my heart. I was in the presence of my Creator. His beauty caressed each of my senses and awakened my soul, filling me with life, peace and joy. The steady thump, thump, thump my heart made inside me kept time to the song and music all around me: the pristine non-smell of snow, the fragrance of the laden pine branches catching the breeze, the far-off sound of my family's voices preparing for dinner, the sun setting over the horizon, triggering millions of crystalline lights to come to life on the white ground. Nothing could touch me here, the world was right and I drank in the wooing of my Savior.
I sighed and took one more deep breath, peeling myself away from my eternal love letter...and went back inside.
It was a traditional Colorado Christmas, complete with fresh powder on the ground and bright blue skies. Only instead of staying in the city that year, the entire family was going up to a cabin in Estes Park to celebrate.
It seemed like it took forever to get there: past the familiar doghnut shop where my Grandpa always liked to stop, past the huge slides that kids slid down on old pieces of carpet during the summer months, past gurgling brooks and finally to the breathtaking majesty of the Rocky Mountains.
As we pulled up to the cabin, it looked as though the scene was taken out of a storybook...the white snow covered trees with shoots of green poking out here and there, the lumbering wrap around front porch with hand carved benches. The sound of my fuzzy calf-high snow boots crunched to the front door through the drifts that had already formed throughout the week, my cheeks and eyes bright from the bitter winter cold.
The cabin was well used and stepping over the threshold, I saw ghosts of visitors past, decorating Christmas trees, cooking in the small, well-lit kitchen, sitting in front of the fireplace. The worn carpet, old upholstered furniture and faded wood held their memories.
The excitement was too much for my little tender heart to bear: I loved these mountains...her steep, jagged peaks, sun-warmed pines and raw beauty made me feel like I was gazing into the face of God. What made it even better was sharing it with those I loved, and my close-knit family always promised a memorable time.
My sister, cousin and I raced downstairs to place our claims on a bunk bed and to settle in. The stark snow-lit light pouring in through the blinds created a magical setting and we all thought about the presents we would get to open in the morning.
But more than that, I couldn't wait to get outside and soak in the environment. I stood breathless on the deck taking in the view before me, my breath escaping in small white puffs in the cold mountain air. Snow capped peaks, a myriad of blues, grays and greens all rising dramatically out of the valley below seemed to me like the gateway to heaven.
The snow-covered silence was a facade...for underneath the surface, the rocks and far-reaching trees, rivers and peaks shouted their songs at me as I inhaled their message deeply, closing my eyes. It was a message of enduring hope, love, romance and passion and it stirred a longing in my heart. I was in the presence of my Creator. His beauty caressed each of my senses and awakened my soul, filling me with life, peace and joy. The steady thump, thump, thump my heart made inside me kept time to the song and music all around me: the pristine non-smell of snow, the fragrance of the laden pine branches catching the breeze, the far-off sound of my family's voices preparing for dinner, the sun setting over the horizon, triggering millions of crystalline lights to come to life on the white ground. Nothing could touch me here, the world was right and I drank in the wooing of my Savior.
I sighed and took one more deep breath, peeling myself away from my eternal love letter...and went back inside.
Monday, August 24, 2009
The Wellspring of Life
"In prayer, it is better to have a heart without words, than words without a heart."
I have been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge as my devotional and have been inspired to journal about what I’m learning. This quote I found today lends itself perfectly to the lesson.
The more I read, the more I realize just how true it is that most Christians have lost heart when it comes to our spiritual lives. We go through the motions of church, praying, service, tithing, but are our hearts close to the Lord? Are we living a love relationship with him? Are we living it with passion and intimacy with all the fullness that He purposed for us?
I have had to do a major spiritual inventory as to what level my heart is engaged in my relationship with the Lord. I am reminded of the verse “these people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” Mark 7:5-7 God forbid (literally) that I be that person although more and more I find myself scheduling in time with the Lord on my calendar like just another “to do” to check off. It is a chore and not a pleasure, an obligation and not a joy. How sad it is because out of the heart stems a “well-spring” of life, which the Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23. When we disconnect our hearts and replace them with head knowledge, we become thirsty, desolate and unfruitful, like a spring that’s run dry.
I think this quote applies to more than just our prayer lives. Our hearts can express themselves through our actions that should be indicative of our inner prayer lives…through loving others, showing peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. Instead of just talking about these things, we should emulate them in our examples. What a huge challenge for the week!
I have been reading Sacred Romance by John Eldridge as my devotional and have been inspired to journal about what I’m learning. This quote I found today lends itself perfectly to the lesson.
The more I read, the more I realize just how true it is that most Christians have lost heart when it comes to our spiritual lives. We go through the motions of church, praying, service, tithing, but are our hearts close to the Lord? Are we living a love relationship with him? Are we living it with passion and intimacy with all the fullness that He purposed for us?
I have had to do a major spiritual inventory as to what level my heart is engaged in my relationship with the Lord. I am reminded of the verse “these people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.” Mark 7:5-7 God forbid (literally) that I be that person although more and more I find myself scheduling in time with the Lord on my calendar like just another “to do” to check off. It is a chore and not a pleasure, an obligation and not a joy. How sad it is because out of the heart stems a “well-spring” of life, which the Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23. When we disconnect our hearts and replace them with head knowledge, we become thirsty, desolate and unfruitful, like a spring that’s run dry.
I think this quote applies to more than just our prayer lives. Our hearts can express themselves through our actions that should be indicative of our inner prayer lives…through loving others, showing peace, patience, kindness, gentleness and self control. Instead of just talking about these things, we should emulate them in our examples. What a huge challenge for the week!
Friday, June 26, 2009
First Kiss
So, I have always had an interest in writing and thought I would try my hand at it, pulling from a long-ago childhood experience. Let me know what you think or if it's too boring, too cliche or if I should just stop now. :)
The light from a Rocky Mountain sky filtered into my bedroom that summer morning, coaxing me to open my eyes. It was only 6 am but my lithe 12 year old body hopped right out of bed, welcoming the day.
I stretched in front of my window, looking out onto an expanse of pavement in our little piece of suburbia. I could hear the faint sounds of the morning sprinklers as the neighbors prepared for the scorching Colorado heat.
I couldn’t wait to get outside; summer was my favorite time of year-barbeques, hanging out with my friends, eating juicy watermelon, days at the pool. My tanned skin and sun-lightened hair made me look like I belonged in the outdoors, which is where I always preferred to be-a self proclaimed tomboy. I hurriedly threw on some shorts, a tank top and my favorite Keds, pulling my long hair back into a messy ponytail. I raced down the stairs of our still-sleeping house to my bike in the garage. The cool air greeted me as the garage door opened and I sped down the driveway. I was halfway down the street when I saw him: Josh.
Those startling blue eyes, freckles and black tousled hair made my heart thud in my chest. He was waiting for me, a huge smile spread over his perfect face. I wondered what could make him look that happy and then remembered that this was the boy that had gotten down on one knee at the end of our street-in view of all the neighbors-and “proposed” to me (really it was just to ask me to be his girlfriend). The thought made me return his grin with one of my own as I rode up beside him. “Hi, Josh,” I blushed just saying his name. “Hi,” was all he said as he gazed into my eyes. There was something about the way he looked at me that made me feel special and of course, made my heart flutter. I was on the cusp of leaving the pre-teen world and entering into the unknown-being a teenager-and the thoughts and feelings that coursed through me both surprised and excited me.
The minutes passed as we rode along our quiet street, and in between as much conversation as two 12 year olds could muster I could hear the “slap-slap-slap” of the baseball card hitting the spoke of his BMX bike tire. Everything seemed to be magnified in his presence-the birds sang louder, the sun seemed to fill the moment with glaring brightness and heat and the sound of my blood and the wind as we rode came in whooshes in my ears.
He finally turned and asked me, “Did you want to come to my house for a little bit? We can just hang out on the front porch and play some cards if you want.” His cornflower eyes were pleadingly hopeful and I tried to will my face not to turn red at his question. “Uh…sure, that sounds great,” I said and the grin on his face got even wider. “Race you to the stop sign,” he challenged. I forgot about everything else except pushing my pedals as fast as they could go-I was always up for anything having to do with winning, which I did more often than not. As much as I liked him, I wasn’t going to let him beat me. It was a close one as we screamed through the finish line, both out of breath and both hysterically laughing. “I WON!” I screamed, and I’m sure my eyes were bright with the victory. “I let you win,” Josh said, trying to cover up his disappointment. It didn’t last long… as we climbed off our bikes I grabbed his hand, and we walked to his corner house.
The street was waking up as we settled in on the porch as the temperature climbed-both in the air around us and between us. We started our card game and I was just as ruthless at winning at that. Maybe I was just too sore of a loser and had to win to prevent him from seeing that childish side of me. As I won the second game in a row, I peered up at him from beneath my lashes, smugly seeing his frustration with losing…to a GIRL.
“Can I ask you something?” he said abruptly. “Of course,” I responded. “I’ve been meaning to ask you for awhile and well…I was wondering…if…I could…k..kiss you”? I froze into place at his question and in my complete innocence had no idea what to say or do. Inside I was freaking out-I’d never kissed a boy in my entire life and I almost wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But I definitely was curious and my heart was doing a strange dance in my chest as the question hung in the air, unanswered. “S-sure, you can kiss me.” There was suddenly a shyness about him as he leaned over the cards towards my face…the fact that I was still frozen in place wasn’t making anything easier for him. He scooted closer to me, scattering and bending some of the cards as he did so…but I didn’t care. This was my first kiss-I had better pay attention!
Slowly, ever so slowly, his lips touched mine. It was awkward, wet and we stayed locked into place not really moving for what we both thought was a reasonable amount of time…all the while my mind was whirling and everything around us disappeared. It was just he and I in this new little world, even the cold cement front porch step disappeared from under me; there was only him and this moment. When we parted, I didn’t quite have the courage to look into his eyes-my face was burning, but after feeling his hand on mine I hesitantly looked into his patient, innocent eyes…and into the fever of first love burning there, reflected in my own.
The light from a Rocky Mountain sky filtered into my bedroom that summer morning, coaxing me to open my eyes. It was only 6 am but my lithe 12 year old body hopped right out of bed, welcoming the day.
I stretched in front of my window, looking out onto an expanse of pavement in our little piece of suburbia. I could hear the faint sounds of the morning sprinklers as the neighbors prepared for the scorching Colorado heat.
I couldn’t wait to get outside; summer was my favorite time of year-barbeques, hanging out with my friends, eating juicy watermelon, days at the pool. My tanned skin and sun-lightened hair made me look like I belonged in the outdoors, which is where I always preferred to be-a self proclaimed tomboy. I hurriedly threw on some shorts, a tank top and my favorite Keds, pulling my long hair back into a messy ponytail. I raced down the stairs of our still-sleeping house to my bike in the garage. The cool air greeted me as the garage door opened and I sped down the driveway. I was halfway down the street when I saw him: Josh.
Those startling blue eyes, freckles and black tousled hair made my heart thud in my chest. He was waiting for me, a huge smile spread over his perfect face. I wondered what could make him look that happy and then remembered that this was the boy that had gotten down on one knee at the end of our street-in view of all the neighbors-and “proposed” to me (really it was just to ask me to be his girlfriend). The thought made me return his grin with one of my own as I rode up beside him. “Hi, Josh,” I blushed just saying his name. “Hi,” was all he said as he gazed into my eyes. There was something about the way he looked at me that made me feel special and of course, made my heart flutter. I was on the cusp of leaving the pre-teen world and entering into the unknown-being a teenager-and the thoughts and feelings that coursed through me both surprised and excited me.
The minutes passed as we rode along our quiet street, and in between as much conversation as two 12 year olds could muster I could hear the “slap-slap-slap” of the baseball card hitting the spoke of his BMX bike tire. Everything seemed to be magnified in his presence-the birds sang louder, the sun seemed to fill the moment with glaring brightness and heat and the sound of my blood and the wind as we rode came in whooshes in my ears.
He finally turned and asked me, “Did you want to come to my house for a little bit? We can just hang out on the front porch and play some cards if you want.” His cornflower eyes were pleadingly hopeful and I tried to will my face not to turn red at his question. “Uh…sure, that sounds great,” I said and the grin on his face got even wider. “Race you to the stop sign,” he challenged. I forgot about everything else except pushing my pedals as fast as they could go-I was always up for anything having to do with winning, which I did more often than not. As much as I liked him, I wasn’t going to let him beat me. It was a close one as we screamed through the finish line, both out of breath and both hysterically laughing. “I WON!” I screamed, and I’m sure my eyes were bright with the victory. “I let you win,” Josh said, trying to cover up his disappointment. It didn’t last long… as we climbed off our bikes I grabbed his hand, and we walked to his corner house.
The street was waking up as we settled in on the porch as the temperature climbed-both in the air around us and between us. We started our card game and I was just as ruthless at winning at that. Maybe I was just too sore of a loser and had to win to prevent him from seeing that childish side of me. As I won the second game in a row, I peered up at him from beneath my lashes, smugly seeing his frustration with losing…to a GIRL.
“Can I ask you something?” he said abruptly. “Of course,” I responded. “I’ve been meaning to ask you for awhile and well…I was wondering…if…I could…k..kiss you”? I froze into place at his question and in my complete innocence had no idea what to say or do. Inside I was freaking out-I’d never kissed a boy in my entire life and I almost wasn’t sure how I felt about it. But I definitely was curious and my heart was doing a strange dance in my chest as the question hung in the air, unanswered. “S-sure, you can kiss me.” There was suddenly a shyness about him as he leaned over the cards towards my face…the fact that I was still frozen in place wasn’t making anything easier for him. He scooted closer to me, scattering and bending some of the cards as he did so…but I didn’t care. This was my first kiss-I had better pay attention!
Slowly, ever so slowly, his lips touched mine. It was awkward, wet and we stayed locked into place not really moving for what we both thought was a reasonable amount of time…all the while my mind was whirling and everything around us disappeared. It was just he and I in this new little world, even the cold cement front porch step disappeared from under me; there was only him and this moment. When we parted, I didn’t quite have the courage to look into his eyes-my face was burning, but after feeling his hand on mine I hesitantly looked into his patient, innocent eyes…and into the fever of first love burning there, reflected in my own.
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