My Journey Part 1

I have always been a dreamer.

Prone to laying outside when I was a little girl, staring at shapes in the clouds drifting by in the warm Colorado summer sun, the cool grass of the front lawn poking through my clothes, thinking about life and what it would hold for me.

I would stand on our front porch and sing every song I knew, and then every song out of that old Campfire song book until my throat hurt and my voice was a croak. I would ride my bike from dawn until dusk, not wanting to miss one moment of life or one minute of fresh Rocky Mountain air in my lungs. I would play football and build forts with the boys in the neighborhood, but still had a healthy collection of Barbie dolls and "girl" toys. I would eat as much as my little skinny body could handle, make up dances with my sister, pretend to be grown up, play dress up...

I was full of song, of life, of passion, dreams, and a deep, unwavering faith. My parents raised my sister and I in a house where Jesus was the center; for that I am forever grateful! Still, there were things in my childhood-as there are in every household-that caused damage in me even to this day.

As long as I can remember, I always wanted attention. I wanted to be noticed by the boys at a very early age, I wanted affirmation on a job well done, wanted to be first in my class, teacher's pet, amazing athlete, beautiful singer, popular-I guess part of being a first-born. I craved praise for anything I did well and when I received it I made sure I would do even better the next time. It was a like a drug and I went through withdrawals and bouts of gloomy moods when I didn't get it. I can remember my father telling me to act my age more than once-all I wanted to do was to grow up and be on my own.

I came to know the Lord Jesus at a very young age and remember sitting next to my mother in our old Gateway church, light pouring in through the stained glass windows and onto the polished wooden pews, looking up into the rafters and asking the Lord to come into my heart. I had always had a deep connection to God from the moment I was born and an even deeper love for the Lord after that moment because now I had recognized that I was flawed. He was my best friend and Savior that had died for me so I could live with him in eternity.

As I grew, my dependency on praise and affirmation became more dramatic and I would be devestated if I wasn't invited to a certain party or didn't get a call from a boy or got a B on a paper. There was a splintered fragment in my personality, in the deep cavity of my soul that longed to be loved and filled. My mother showed me her love for me in tangible ways-a trip to the library on a lazy, rainy summer afternoon or a trip to the pool with Big Hunks to eat for a treat, millions of kisses and "I love you's", dinners prepared and fingers toiled. My dad showered me with love as well, the only way he knew how- by working. He broke his back at work at graveyard shifts and driving truck so that I could have nice things, go to a Christian school, know what it was like to truly be a child without any cares in the world. I knew he loved me but we didn't have an emotional relationship to speak of. He came from the stock that children should only speak when spoken to and he thought we were without opionions, free thought, etc. I love my sweet father and today we have an amazing relationship-he's taught me so much.

But I lacked the emotional connection that I needed as a little girl, that he was unable to provide by no fault of his own. That would prove to be the "chink" in my armor years later...

The Browning DEBT

So this is going to be a lesson in humility for me but not a self-loathing/lashing session like I normally put myself through when I make mistakes. God is teaching me so much through this struggle and every day I learn of His perfect grace and mercy.

I am planning on sharing my complete testimony each week in parts in the hopes that I might encourage and help others who may be headed down the wrong path. This might seem out of place but my testimony has a lot to do with how I got myself into not only a physical debt but a spiritual and emotional debt as well.

But onto the subject at hand: The Browning DEBT-or more accurately SHANNA'S DEBT.

I came into our marriage with $25,000 of credit card debt...I can almost hear the gasps of those who are reading this. I know, I know, I don't understand how I could have accumulated that much debt either, but there it is. After years of "free" living, traveling, etc., my choices had caught up to me. And unfortunately, it affected the love of my life that I never thought I'd meet.

Tim and I discussed my debt before we got married so he knew what he was marrying into. Some marry into money, some marry into a money pit. I was the money pit, but Tim has never looked back and has shouldered most of the burden it's put on our marriage and our lifestyles. There isn't a day that goes by that I am not filled with regret and remorse for the decisions I've made. If only I could have seen into the future to see what it would have done to my future husband, I know I would have made better decisions.

But again, all of that is water under the bridge and I can no longer live in that place of the past. All I have control over is what I do from this point forward and intention to live right, be a wise steward of my money and try to stick as close to our budget as possible to take some of the stress off of Tim.

We created a budget when we first got married that we still use today. It's important just like anything else in life to have a plan. Just like someone who wants to lose weight: by keeping a food journal of what is going in and what is burned (calories in, calories out), you can control how much you weigh. It's the same with debt. No one can be in control of their finances if they have no idea how much they're spending...usually they find out when checks start to bounce or their account overdraws. That was the story of my life and that's part of the reason why I got into so much debt.

Our budget is a simple excel spreadsheet that lists all of our bills by pay period (example: 1st- 15th and the 16th-30th). There is a total sum of our income for that time frame, a total sum of all the exact amount of our bills and a balance of what's leftover. There is also an "extras" column, where we list all of our non-monthly expenses we'll have for that particular month. For example, Mother's Day was in May and we knew we would incur an extra expense outside our normal budget. Or, if I need makeup or Tim needs protein or if we need oil changes or know we're going to need a gift for a wedding, we put it in the "extras". Everything else goes to savings.

It's been amazing using this system because when you sit down and add up just how much you're spending on eating out, coffee, etc it's quite a shocker (when we were dating we probably spent $500 a month eating out!). Tim and I decided that a reasonable amount of personal spending money would be $25 per week. We also decided that $50 per week would be plenty to go out to eat once a week and maybe see a movie. But that's it. No additional expenses over and above what's on our budget. We have a goal to not use our debit cards at all once we've pulled all the cash out that we need for two weeks. It helps us to stay on track because you have a physical reminder of just how much you have left to spend, whereas a debit card is so easy and convenient and you don't see the money leaving your account.

Now, to the good part and how amazing the Lord is. I have gotten about $7,500 in bonuses from my job in the past three months (after taxes about $5,000) and Tim has been working overtime to supplement my income so all of my paychecks could go towards debt (our "debt plan"). We have been able to pay off $10,000 of the $25,000 debt in three months!!! We have been paying the minimum payments for the last year and a half of our marriage and finally got all of them under the limit back in January. We then consolidated 3 of our smaller ones into a 0% interest for 1 year low balance transfer fee credit card so every cent of our payments go towards the principal. I would suggest that to anyone struggling with high-interest credit cards. Bank of America has a great card offer right now with the same type of this and the balance transfer fee was a maximum of $75. Some companies charge you 3% of the total so you end up adding more debt.

It's amazing how God just keeps on giving because we've been faithful stewards of our money, our time, our tithing (as much as we can). It feels so good to actually LEARN from a mistake and even though it's hard (do you know what we could DO with that money???!) God is so completely faithful. He always shines a light and brings a blessing in the midst of darkness. Our plan is to be out of debt in about 5 months with Tim's blood, sweat and tears along with another $2,500 in bonuses from my company before the year is out. Then we are going to CELEBRATE!!!

Anyway, I hope some of you are encouraged by this! If you ever want to see an example of my budget, I would love to send it to you!

Blessings-Shanna

The Power of Positive Thinking

I have been reading this book by Norman Vincent Peale, taking it with a grain of salt as some of it borders on new age philosophy. However, he was a minister and a Christian psychologist so his insights are pretty poignant.

Anyway, there was something that really stood out to me when I was reading the other night that I wanted to share. He was talking about how hapiness is a choice; it's not something that comes naturally to us since we live in a world filled with disapointments, struggles and hardships. It's something that we have to CHOOSE TO BE every single morning. Instead of waking up thinking "this is going to be the worst day ever" or "today is going to be a struggle" and choosing gloominess and unhappiness, he suggests lying in bed for a few extra minutes before getting up. Begin going over in your mind all of the positive, good things that you want to happen that day; envision how you're going to interact with your children, with your husband, with others around you. Then, say "This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it" three times out loud.

Again, this isn't a perscription or using the Bible as some self-help book but I guess if there's any self-help book to read, it WOULD be the Bible! And truly, the power and strength to be the person you want to be does ultimately come from JESUS and not from any human power. I think in addition to adding positive "happy" thinking to the beginning of my day it has to be coupled with reading from the Word and asking the Lord to bless my day, bless my efforts and bless those around me by my attitude and actions.

Anyway, just thought I would share!

A carrot, egg and coffee

My mom forwarded this to me on an email and thought I would share!

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how thingswere so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it andwanted to give up, she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed asone problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.' 'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outershell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, every circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.

If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst , you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself toanother level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean? May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyonearound you is crying. May we all be COFFEE!!!!!!!

Waiting on the Lord Devo # 2

Today is a struggle. Not only is it a Monday but I am having one of those days where I don't "feel" my faith. It's one of those days where believing and trusting is a choice. It's easy to get distracted by the lies in my head telling me that certain things aren't happening for me because of the things that I've done and even now because of my struggle to keep the faith. If I'm not careful I could definitely fall face first off the cliff of despair and depression...which would take a while to climb out of once I'm at the bottom.

So, I keep hanging on and trusting the Lord even when I don't feel like it and trusting that He will be true to His promises. I keep presenting my requests to Him, waiting on Him with expectation: "In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3

I continue to wait in strength and courage for the desires and cries of my heart...

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

I continue to try to follow His precepts and honor Him in my actions, knowing that it's only my heart that counts, knowing that I will mess up and fail, but that the Lord sees how hard I'm trying. He will not hold my mistakes against me and withhold good things from my life just because I've sinned. As long as I recognize I'm a sinner and make the effort to change, to accept his gift of grace every day and do my best to honor him, that is all that matters. I have to remind myself that He is not a God of punishment. That is what I cling to when I feel the pull of that darkness.

"Wait for the Lord, and keep his way."Psalm 37:34

"I wait for you, O Lord; you will answer, O Lord my God" Psalm 38:15

"I will wait for your salvation, O Lord, and I will follow your commands." Psalm 119:166

"Yes, LORD, walking in the ways of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desires of our hearts." Isaiah 26:8

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!" Isaiah 30:18

And as I wait, I will HOPE. Hope is defined many ways in the dictonary, but the few that stood out to me are: " a person or thing in which expectations are centered", "to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence", " to place trust; rely", "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best." The Bible also gives us instances of hope in conjuction with waiting, as hope is something that hasn't happened yet but has the expectation that something will.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord, more than watchmen wait for the morning; more than watchment wait for the morning." Psalm 130:5-6

I love this verse. Towns used to have watchmen out in towers keeping watch over the cities at night. I'm sure as all of us know it's very hard to stay awake all night and we watch for the first light of day to tell us our trying time is coming to an end and we can finally go to sleep. Just the picture of the intesity and fervent desire to see the daylight is so beautiful to me. It's also a promise, that after a long, dark "night" which can represent a trial or struggle, morning WILL come. It's inevitable that the sun will rise; we just have to be patient and wait for it.

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me." Micah 7:7

Have a blessed day!