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As most of you know, we had a positive appointment a couple of weeks ago with the pediatric neurosurgeon who said that she wasn't going to shunt Sam unless absolutely necessary. She also said that in all her years of practice she's never seen a kid with brain scans like ours not walk, talk and have a normal life. She encouraged us to prepare for some learning issues but after all the worst case scenarios we've been given, dealing with a few issues with learning to read, etc seems like nothing to us. It was the first appointment we've had where we've felt hopeful and positive about Sam's outcome.
Here's the bottom line with all of this: our C-section is scheduled for August 25th (his head is growing right along with the ventricles so a natural birth is officially "out") and more than likely that day or the next Sam will be whisked off to the NICU to undergo testing and assessment of his condition. If the MRI results come back confirming pressure in the brain from the fluid, etc, he will undergo surgery immediately. We have a couple more appointments before we actually deliver which will tell us a lot more about the timeline and recovery, etc, but for now we're just counting down the days until we meet our little Sam!
Throughout all of this I've tried to be as real as possible. I think with a blog and with snippets of Facebook posts that people seem to think that we are amazingly strong and getting through this more easily than expected. I can assure you there are days when it's hard. It's hard to stay positive, to get out of bed, to remain excited about the pregnancy, to reconcile the fact that our loving Father is allowing something like this in our lives after everything we've been through. There are days when all I can do to make it through is to turn off all my emotions and lock them up in a box deep inside myself so I don't go insane with the worry, questions, fear, and anger.
And I think that's ok. I think we serve a God that's big enough to handle our honesty, our questions, and even our more "unpleasant" emotions.
However, I had an epiphany through the words of my dear, sweet husband and another amazing man of God that I hold in the highest regard. All along through this trial I haven't had an issue praising and worshiping God-that's easy. He is God, He is all powerful, and He is worthy to be praised. But I realized that how I have been viewing God was very clinical and cold. He's not some distant Trinity that only requires my worship and praise and sacrifice. He is a God of Love. He is my Father. And as a Father, He not only craves a relationship with me, He loves my Samuel more than I do, which is an astounding thought, because I would give my life for my son without a backward glance. He isn't a cosmic, twisted kill joy who enjoys inflicting suffering on the people of earth, whom he created. He doesn't cause our suffering, nor does he desire to watch us squirm under the pressure of life on this earth. Our suffering is a result of our fallen world-decaying and dying and a far cry from the paradise that He created. He does USE our suffering, however, as the Bible talks about. He uses it to mold us, break us, refine us, better us and change us. Every circumstance or trial or suffering that Satan's darkness uses to interrupt or make us question our faith, God's light turns into a lesson for our good and furthering of our character. And He does it because He loves us. We can't ever let ourselves doubt that love.
And those are the truths about God that I'm working on reconciling with the reality of our situation even though it means a vulnerability that exposes me-raw and broken before Him. God is love. He's a loving Father that counts all the hairs on my head, that knows a word before I speak it, that thinks thoughts towards me that outnumber the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world, that formed ME in my mother's womb and wants to give me good gifts. He wants me to thrive, not just survive, as scary as it is to open myself up to feeling...because with feeling there is potential for heartbreak. But without heartbreak and suffering, there is no experience of a Father's comforting hands picking me up, stroking my hair, wiping my tears away and whispering for me to trust Him.
As we countdown the days until the long-awaited birth of our very precious little boy, I am convinced that God has big plans for him. And just like his namesake in the Bible, I'm giving him back into Hands that are bigger than mine. Hands that will keep him safe, bless him, love him, comfort him and teach him, regardless of any challenges he may face.
Thank you in advance for your continued prayers! We can't wait for you all to meet our little Sam in less than 3 weeks!
Love,
Shanna and Tim
