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So I had the itching to post on my blog today, with the torrent of thoughts that are consuming my attention. I think they are a result of cabin fever and being without normal human interaction for so long. Even now, I feel a little like this tree; snowbound and rooted into one spot, alone. That sounds just a little dismal and self-pitying but I can't help it. That's how I feel right now.
The truth is, to perpetuate this feeling of isolation, I'm willing to bet that no one will read this blog entry. Not that it matters, just as long as I can get my torrid thoughts out of my head and onto some kind of medium.
I have been feeling a bit depressed lately; with my husband working graveyard, the snow that's kept me in my house for over a week, the seemingly never-ending "debt plan" that pinches our pennies every month, the desire for a baby and not being pregnant each month, my sister moving out of town...I feel somewhat smothered by multiple difficult circumstances. I feel sometimes as if I am being lowered into some dark hole, and am fighting with everything inside of me, scraping the darkness with my fingernails, searching for a place to hold on. I know that all sounds desperate and despondent, but I think that's a pretty good description of depression-not clinical depression, mind you, but circumstantial depression.
Whenever I feel this way I have to stop in my tracks and check myself. I believe there is a reason and a design for everything that happens in our lives and emotions are sometimes the avenue through which God speaks to us. When we feel we're at the end of our ropes, perhaps he's been trying to get our attention by letting us slide there. Instead of focusing on the Source of life and love and happiness and joy, we've been neglecting it and instead turning our eyes inward in a self-pitying, self depracating way that only leads to darkness. God is the "Father of Lights" so where He is there is no darkness. Suffice to say we are not seeking relationship with the Lord as we should be when we are in the dark. I have to clarify this by saying that there are cases where, of course, hormonal and chemical imbalances occur and we may truly be in the light and right relationship with God yet feel we are in darkness.
But that requires the most faith of all...it's when we can't see the light but must trust that it is there where the depth of our belief is tested. At the same time I think there are conditional depressions which stem from a lack of relationship from the Life-Giver, the Creator, our Jesus. How can a plant grow without sunlight or water? If we starve it of these two essential life-giving elements, how can we expect it to stay alive? The same is true with our spiritual selves. We are connected to the vine and in order to flourish and produce much fruit, we have to expose ourselves to the light of the Father and to his living water, the Word. We have to open up our closed, stubborn hearts in order to receive sustenance.
So I guess the lesson for me to take away from this, after seeing the explanation of my melancholy spelled out for me, is to seek the Lord with all my heart, draw near to Him as he draws near to me, turn my face to the Son and not to the darkness of my selfish, self-centered thoughts and receive the life that He has promised me.
Nothing is too big for Him but nothing is too small for Him either. That is what makes our Lord so incredibly beautiful. He is king yet friend, father yet brother, Savior of the world yet interested in our own little tiny lives, as precious children.
Thanks for letting me share this Christmas season to any of you who are reading; and like the tree, snow-burdened or not, let us always point to the true reason for our celebration-JESUS CHRIST.
